Another Unexpected Adventure....

Here is a little update for those who have been keeping up with our story.  Today I got the results back from the "specialized" bloodwork I had done three weeks ago to determine the cause of the miscarriages.  I honestly felt like everything would come back completely normal, with the past two miscarriages just being a fluke.  But, the results actually came back with an abnormal blood clotting gene.  This gene is called Methylenetetrahydrofolate Reductase (good luck pronouncing that my friends), otherwise known as MTHFR.  It sounds like there are treatments for this gene mutation which could include blood thinner injections, baby aspirin and/or increasing my folic acid levels.  I don't know much about the mutation other than I will be meeting with a genetic counselor to figure it all out.  This will also mean that once I do get pregnant again, it will be considered a high risk pregnancy.  I am thankful there are specialized doctors in this field.

I am not quite sure how I feel about actually have something abnormal show up in my bloodwork.  I knew it would be frustrating for them not to find anything wrong at all but probably in a way would have also been relieved that there was not an issue that needed to be addressed.  Now this brings a whole new level of stress, emotions and questions.  But for whatever God thinks I can handle it, so here we go.

Dealing with infertility and pregnancy loss is emotionally exhausting....and after two years, this girl is so very tired.

Thanks for reading and we would certainly appreciate any prayers as we begin this next adventure.

"God has perfect timing; never early and never late.  It takes a little patience and whole lot of faith." 

"For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord.  "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

"Instead He gave us an angel..."

If I am going to be completely honest, I have literally dreaded this weekend for months, 7 months to be exact.  This weekend should have been the weekend we would be bringing home our first baby.  Our home should be filled with all kinds of baby furniture, toys, and tiny baby clothes, organized and put into the perfect spot. Obviously things didn't go quite as we had planned.  The third bedroom of our home still has boxes and things that need to be unpacked but I keep putting it off because I dread the idea that the room should already be a nursery. So this weekend of course I have noticed every pregnant women and every tiny baby, seems as though I could have spotted them from miles away.

The good thing about this weekend is that we had planned a getaway trip, very soon after the miscarriage.  We spent the weekend in a cozy cabin, also known as "Beary Comfy", with my parents and enjoyed having no schedule, sleeping as late as we wanted and just relaxing in front of a warm fireplace.  We are entirely too much and did a little too much shopping but I'm okay with that since tomorrow it's back to reality. 

I am now looking forward to the holiday season, staying busy and spending time with our family and friends, praying that next year God has something amazing in store for our little family.  Thanks to everyone who prays for us and for all the encouraging words.  I know our God is good and soon enough He will reveal His great plan to us.  Until then, I'm extra thankful to come home to an amazing husband and two cute pups that love me no matter what. 

 “How very quietly you tiptoed into our world, silently, only a moment you stayed. But what an imprint your footprints have left upon our hearts.’” -Unknown

“We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.” -E.M. Forester

One Week Later...

Here we are... One week after finding out that we would be sending another sweet baby to heaven way too early.  Over the past week I have had so many people share their own personal stories with me, about their troubles with having kids and many women dealing with the same type of losses.  It certainly happens way more than you would imagine but unfortunately it is very rarely talked about and often looked over.

I have had my moments of sadness of course but also keep reminding myself that CJ and I are so blessed.  And that in Gods time we will be able to experience a growing family.  This week I have indulged in sweet tea, ice cream, and anything chocolate I can get my hands on.  I've got one more pampering idea planned for this weekend (pedicure of course!) and then must get back on track.  Certainly not included in our Dave Ramsey budget but I will make up for it next month. ;-) Even thinking about joining the gym (CJ snickers at this idea) but I know it would be good for me. 

As far as doctors appointments go, I will be having blood work in 6 weeks to do further testing and determine if there is a treatable reason that the miscarriages are happening.  Please pray that they will find something we can easily fix.  Until then, I'm enjoying all the time I can with my handsome husband and so thankful for all of our amazing friends and family.  We can't thank you enough for all the prayers and happy thoughts that have been sent our way.

And just walked in the door to my husband cooking supper :-)

"I will praise you in the storm..."

Facing one of our worst fears....Again.

When I decided to start this blog (even though it was only last night) I told myself that I would write about the good and the bad.  Only fair because with good news many times there also comes along something bad to some degree.

So here we go.  I woke up this morning like a normal day, CJ getting home from midnights as I am getting ready for work and about to head out the door.  I wasn't feeling exactly right so I ended up not going to work.  After another doctor's appointment and ultrasound we found out that we were facing this terrible nightmare, again.  Our sweet little baby's heartbeat had stopped.  Even before the doctor's appointment I knew this would be the case but to have it confirmed and to see it gone makes things a little more real.  Even tougher since we had just seen that sweet fluttering two days ago. 

I am not writing and posting this for anyone to feel sorry for us or to do any favors for us.  I am simply writing this so you know what is going on in our lives and for you to pray for us.  Pray for understanding, peace and encouragement as we go through the next few weeks and months.  I know God has big plans for us and that He is very faithful.  We have prayed for so long to have a family and He knows all our desires so I believe that eventually we will have our own sweet family.  He is not saying "no", for whatever reason He is just saying "not now".  Our God is good.  He is with us through all the good times and certainly doesn't leave our side in the bad times.  "After all you are sovereign, not for a moment would you forsake me". 

Although waves of sadness will be around for days and weeks, I am also so very thankful.
Thankful for my amazing husband who has been by side for every bit of this (even when that means coming to the rescue in his uniform :-) ) He lets me cry when I need to, makes me laugh, puts up with my grumpy side and most importantly  he prays with me.  I'd be a mess without him.  Oh, and he brings me extra sweet tea which if you know me at all, you know that is amazing!
I am thankful for my parents and friends who also let me cry, send me scriptures or encouraging words and just let me know that they care about us and are praying.   I am also thankful to have amazing co-workers who cover for me while I deal with the physical and emotional sides that come along with a miscarriage.

I do not expect or want anyone to give me a speech about why this could be happening or what could have been wrong with the baby.  We don't know why God is making us go there these trials.  All we know is that we are stronger than we have ever been before and we can get through anything that is tossed our way.  I have not once been mad at God although as I think is normal, I have questioned why this is happening.  What are we supposed to learn from this?? What "good" is all this doing?? I refuse for this experience to make me bitter and angry.  Not saying that I will not be sad because I will be; tomorrow, next month and even years from now.  I will forever be sad until I get to heaven and see my two sweet babies. 

I don't feel like I am usually this personal or let people into my life with all the details.  However with this post I just wanted to be "real" and ask for prayers.  Things are not always easy but we are so blessed with everything and everyone we do have in our lives.  We will continue to praise God for all those blessings and have faith that He will one day reveal an awesome plan to us. 

"We can trust our God
He knows what He's doing
Though it might hurt now
We won't be ruined"

"I will serve you, while I'm waiting.  I will worship, while I'm waiting."

The Lewis Crew: Two and Counting....

Here is my first attempt of blogging and actually trying to be dedicated to keeping this updated :-) Lots has been going on in the Lewis family since we got married, both good and bad.  We moved to a new town, started new jobs, bought our first house and then quickly sold it, only to buy our second house which we are now slowly turning it into a cozy home.  So along with getting married and settling into our first home comes the idea of having a family which is something that CJ and I have always wanted.  So just to catch you up on the family idea, here is our story!

January of 2012, CJ and I started trying to start our own little family.  Yes, we have the puppies but were hoping for a few more two legged creatures in our house.  After 14 months of no luck, several doctors appointments and various medications we finally learned that we were expecting our first child! We were both surprised and so excited, hardly even knowing how to handle the news and who to tell first.  Of course I called my doctor who scheduled me for my first appointment which would be around 9 weeks.  The day comes for our first appointment and we were both nervous as just a few days before I had a few symptoms that things might not quite be right.  It turns out my gut feeling was right.  During the first ultrasound, we saw our first little baby however there was no heartbeat and the baby was smaller than he/she should have been by this point.  I can't even begin to describe the devastation and sadness I felt after losing this baby and it took several months before I could really even think about babies or look at pregnant women without wanting to just curl up and cry.  The ONLY good thing that came from this experience was that my relationship with God grew much stronger as I tried to understand and figure out why in the world this could be happening to us.  I found out through scriptures and lots of prayers that I am much stronger than I ever believed I could be and that with God on my side I could get through this terrible experience.  I was also given the opportunity to meet and talk with other women that had gone through the same experiences which was a blessing and very comforting.  So after physically healing from the miscarriage and feeling like we were emotionally ready, we decided it was time to start trying again. 

This is where the good news comes!  We found out a few weeks ago that I was pregnant again! The first feelings of course are excitement, but in the back of my mind there is also worry and fear that something could happen to this baby also.  This is where our faith and trust in God has got to kick in or it will be a long first trimester.  I had my first appointment on Monday, where I learned that I was 6 weeks and 3 days along.  Initially I thought that I would be 8 weeks by now but obviously my calculations were not correct!  And we saw the most amazing thing...a tiny baby with a tiny heart that just fluttered away and that we could even hear, 123 bpm!!  It was so incredible and like nothing I could describe (as all you moms know).  So with this good news also came along a few concerning points.  The technicians and doctor were slightly concerned about the placement of the baby, that he/she is implanted lower than what they normally see at this point and that were was not much fluid around the baby.  So we were told that at this point we are in the "gray zone".  This baby could be completely fine, which I know God can take care of he/she if this is His plan or things could not go so well.  It will be a waiting game for now.  We do get to go back on Monday for a second ultrasound to determine if these issues are getting better and praying that the baby still has a strong heartbeat.  I know our God is bigger than any of this and we are praying that His plan is for this baby to grow strong and healthy so that in about 8 months we will have a new member in our family.  If you are reading this, we would certainly appreciate any prayers, specifically praying that the baby can move up, for more fluid around the baby and that he/she will still have a strong heartbeat at our next appointment.  Here are a few pictures of the little munchkin!

He or she is certainly a tiny thing now but we pray for this baby to continue growing each and every day!! 

 

"Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for He who promised is faithful." Hebrews 10:23