Facing one of our worst fears....Again.

When I decided to start this blog (even though it was only last night) I told myself that I would write about the good and the bad.  Only fair because with good news many times there also comes along something bad to some degree.

So here we go.  I woke up this morning like a normal day, CJ getting home from midnights as I am getting ready for work and about to head out the door.  I wasn't feeling exactly right so I ended up not going to work.  After another doctor's appointment and ultrasound we found out that we were facing this terrible nightmare, again.  Our sweet little baby's heartbeat had stopped.  Even before the doctor's appointment I knew this would be the case but to have it confirmed and to see it gone makes things a little more real.  Even tougher since we had just seen that sweet fluttering two days ago. 

I am not writing and posting this for anyone to feel sorry for us or to do any favors for us.  I am simply writing this so you know what is going on in our lives and for you to pray for us.  Pray for understanding, peace and encouragement as we go through the next few weeks and months.  I know God has big plans for us and that He is very faithful.  We have prayed for so long to have a family and He knows all our desires so I believe that eventually we will have our own sweet family.  He is not saying "no", for whatever reason He is just saying "not now".  Our God is good.  He is with us through all the good times and certainly doesn't leave our side in the bad times.  "After all you are sovereign, not for a moment would you forsake me". 

Although waves of sadness will be around for days and weeks, I am also so very thankful.
Thankful for my amazing husband who has been by side for every bit of this (even when that means coming to the rescue in his uniform :-) ) He lets me cry when I need to, makes me laugh, puts up with my grumpy side and most importantly  he prays with me.  I'd be a mess without him.  Oh, and he brings me extra sweet tea which if you know me at all, you know that is amazing!
I am thankful for my parents and friends who also let me cry, send me scriptures or encouraging words and just let me know that they care about us and are praying.   I am also thankful to have amazing co-workers who cover for me while I deal with the physical and emotional sides that come along with a miscarriage.

I do not expect or want anyone to give me a speech about why this could be happening or what could have been wrong with the baby.  We don't know why God is making us go there these trials.  All we know is that we are stronger than we have ever been before and we can get through anything that is tossed our way.  I have not once been mad at God although as I think is normal, I have questioned why this is happening.  What are we supposed to learn from this?? What "good" is all this doing?? I refuse for this experience to make me bitter and angry.  Not saying that I will not be sad because I will be; tomorrow, next month and even years from now.  I will forever be sad until I get to heaven and see my two sweet babies. 

I don't feel like I am usually this personal or let people into my life with all the details.  However with this post I just wanted to be "real" and ask for prayers.  Things are not always easy but we are so blessed with everything and everyone we do have in our lives.  We will continue to praise God for all those blessings and have faith that He will one day reveal an awesome plan to us. 

"We can trust our God
He knows what He's doing
Though it might hurt now
We won't be ruined"

"I will serve you, while I'm waiting.  I will worship, while I'm waiting."